Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Meanie Me

I have been
so very
mean today.

(Shame has a hold on me.)

I've apologized
to the
people who
received this
I still feel
like I
need to
I'm sorry

(I want to know I'm okay in their eyes.)

is stronger
than the

(I hate that I get that way.)

If you
how that works
you have

(Am I allowed to be human?)


I never used to feel shame. I don't know if it was a coping mechanism or some sort of reaction to feeling too much of it for one reason or another, but when I first started experiencing honest-to-goodness guilt for my behaviors, I was horrified.

I let it go fairly quickly, because the part of my brain that is usually active doesn't believe in feeding that particular emotion. But I think it's alright that I acknowledge it, when it's a true emotion, when it's warranted.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

No Resolving--Just Continuing!

Seagulls attacking French fries.*
I don't make New Year's Resolutions.

What I do is continue with the stuff I'm already working on, sometimes with the extra oomph all the strong vibes of a new calendar year bring with it. And, of course, being a dynamic human being (as we all are, or we would be un-living) I often find new things to work on, over the course of time. It happens.

So here is my list of things I've been working on, and will keep working on:

1.) Reduce cigarette smoking. Eventual quitting of it. No set date, because then I just start chain smoking like the neurotic anxiety-riddled person I am.

2.) Eat healthier. This comes and goes in waves, as I imagine it does for most people. I fail to avoid the junk food when the junk food is actually in my house, but I'm trying to provide myself with consistently better alternatives.

3.) Move more. This is easier when it isn't -20F outside, but it's really no excuse. I've started walking the halls of my apartment building. No ice to worry about, and quite warm. Like, pretty much too warm. I just pretend it's July.

4.) Be nice. Surprising as this may be to some of you, I can be a real B-word. Especially to those closest to me. This is exponentially worse the less I smoke cigarettes, so it's kind of a negative loop. I'm trying to practice the "walk away" rule, which is basically this: if you are engaged in an argument with someone, walk away. Physically leave their presence. It helps the conflict from getting out of hand.

5.) Write more. I was just talking with my friend, Dane, about how I get way too distracted with the Internet. I wrote books before the Internet was at my fingertips. BOOKS! Like, not just the one that's published, but six other ones, as of yet unpublished! And I've got about 100 more in my head, just waiting to be put down on paper. But I bring up a blank Word document, and then I'm notified of a new message from someone, and then I check my email, and then I watch 17 youtube videos, and then I have a response to my response to that message, and then I'm LOLing and forgot all about working on character development and plot lines.

So... I am thinking about designating an actual "no Internet time slot" to my days. This may or may not happen in any way, but if I don't at least put it down, I'll forget that I had the idea. This will also mean that, for practical reasons, I'll have to go back to writing on a typewriter.

6.) Save money. Oh, yes... the old save money goal. It is hard to do, when it's in short supply, but that's really not an excuse. Obviously, if I achieved #1, this would follow behind quite naturally. But I was also reading about the Jar-Box-Bag rule. You get money, you put 1/3 in a jar (savings), 1/3 in a box (sharing), and 1/3 in a bag (spending). Or maybe it was Box-Jar-Bag. Whatever. It's an interesting concept. And less frightening than a bank.

7.) I don't have any more, but six seemed like a weird number to stop at, so I'm adding a seven.

Whatever you decided to do, whether it's eat less chocolate, drink less beer, or swim more laps, I hope you don't give up just because you didn't do it perfectly. If you are starting goals on this day of January 1st, that's okay. Keep going! And if you're like me, and just continuing with goals already in progress, good for you! Keep going!

If we stop growing, stop learning, stop trying, we might as well stop everything. And I have no intention of stopping until it's time. Which it's not.

Happy New Year!

*The picture of the seagulls attacking French fries has absolutely nothing to do with this post. But, if you can find allegory within it, please share!